Allow yourself to dive in
Since the beginning of Christianity up to now, quite number of men and women preferred unmarried life “for the Kingdom of God” and abstained from marriage, sexuality and family life. Their decision to do so is not exclusively based on Jesus’ word and example, but also co-influenced by ideas and beliefs which are contemporary and part of culture. One of the influential factors is the vision on man and world, that at a certain time prevails in society and either favors celibacy, or discriminates against it. During many centuries until recently, that vision on man and world was a dualistic character. Man lives in the world but does not belong to the world. He should not be a “worldly” person! He should not be contaminated by the things of the world, but rather seek the things that come from “high”.
The meaning Of Crisis
What is the real meaning of crisis? Crisis is a crucial time and a turning point. Context of crisis is individual’s internal reaction to external change. If change is obstructed by the ego—the part of the consciousness that direct the will—crisis will occur to make structural change possible. Without the structural change in the entity, no balance can be attained. Every crisis ultimately means such a readjustment, whether it appears in the form of pain, difficulties, upheaval, uncertainty or merely the insecurity. Crisis sakes loose ingrained, frozen habits so that new growth becomes possible. It tears down and breaks up, which are momentarily painful, but transformation is unthinkable without it. Crisis is necessary because human negativity is a stagnant mass that needs to be shaken up in order to be let go off. Change is integral characteristic of life; where there is life there is unending change.
There are two kinds of crises: developmental crisis and situational crisis. Developmental crisis means crisis which can be predicted because everyone normally goes through, for instance, crisis in pregnancy, parenthood or loosing of our beloved. We can learn and prepare these kinds of crises to reduce the anxiety. Situational crisis means crisis which can not be predicted, an upheaval resulting from unusual circumstances such as a disabling accident or disaster.
Old age crisis is a developmental crisis. Normally, people will face the crisis. The crisis come along with the superficial changing such as skin dryer, thinner, less elastic, blood vessel and pockets of fat much more visible. In other word, they are going to die. The process of death is such a crisis. Facing a crisis, they have two alternatives of taking refuge or driving trough. Taking refuge means they deny of getting older. They then feel weak and do not believe in their own capacities to actualize the infinitive power of the Universal Spirit. Actually, taking refuge does not do any good, on the contrary, it increases the critical tension. The momentary relief is illusion of the most serious nature. It is so because the crisis inevitably comes later on, but by then is no longer connected with it source and therefore it hurts more. In the Eriksonian context, they will feel despair. Despair expresses the feeling that time is short for attempting to start another life and to try out the alternate road to integrity.
Total commitment to driving through is necessarily. If they do not enter to life fully and committedly, they can not experience the marvel of the reality of the Universal Spirit within their-selves. Since they are not honest with life, they cannot really believe in the power of Universal Intelligence dwelling at human being at all times, which goes to work if they make room for it. They will let go of the old accustomed shore and float momentarily in what seems uncertainty. They will feel safer than ever before, when they were holding on to the old shore, to the false structure that must be torn down. They will sooner know that nothing to fear. They will find the wisdom of mature age.
Special Conditions Which Contribute to the Celibates’ Crisis
The feeling of superiority of state life
For a very long time, a negative judgment of sexuality played a role in the process of deciding for celibacy. Sexual intercourse was seen as being concentrated oneself, drawing people away from God and fellowmen, giving in to the passions of one’s lower self, and thus was more or less sinful.
The situation becomes specific when special privileges were bestowed by the state on the clergy. With this development of single spirituality of being a Christian –in whatever it was expressed—was replace by a dualistic spirituality drawn up according to one’s state of life. The Church began to preach two levels of Christians’ commitment, one for the laity and one for the religious.
“We must first all affirm –as the Church plainly teaches—that holy virginity by its own excellence ranks higher than marriage….. This doubtless derives mostly from the fact that it aims at a more excellent goal and also the most effective help for putting oneself entirely at the service of God. The souls of one who is involved in the chains and cares of marriage are more or less ‘divided.’”
Being trained by the teaching, somehow, celibates feel of having higher rank of state of life. Furthermore, the Catholics are very respectful to their priests and religious. In the old age, the teaching contributes some special crisis. They feel that the teaching does not ring with the truth, for in fact, they become jobless and very dependant. That is why, in some retired houses for elder celibates, I met some religious who become very depressed or full of anger because they feel living in “exile” place. They used to have many people who came and listened to him, so that they feel important. But now, only very view people come and they feel unimportant at all.
Loneliness
Another situation which is common for celibates in old age is loneliness. Celibates have congregation or society which functions like family. But the bonding of congregational relationship is not as tight as family. They have so many confreres, but they relate not as deep as a family. Even some of the members do not know each other. Friends and associates maybe would come to visit them, but it is not the same as having some one who will not leave. “It is not the same as having some one whom you know has an eye on you, is watching you the whole time”. They have God, of course they know, but some times they can not feel His presence. In 2001, I had a special experience in accompanying a priest who was dying for suffering from a terminal disease. I committed to give communion and to listen his sharing twice a week for almost six months. Many times he became very upset and refused to pray at all. Many times he admired children and grieved because he did not have any child. I knew he did not regret of being a celibate, rather he felt lonely.
Toward the God’s Peace
The crown of celibates in the mature age is experience of God’s peace. Talking about God’s peace, we should not understand “peace” in its negative sense as absence of enmity and violence. God’s peace is much more than the result of peace treaty. It is something inside man. It penetrates his whole life from within. It is living in harmony in a well-conscious relationship with God and, because of Him, with oneself, fellowmen and environment.
Detachments
To do so, celibates in mature age should make some detachments. The first detachment is to release the understanding that they have a higher state of life compared to the laity. The world has been given to man by his Creator as his task and challenge. Whether they are married or not they have received God’s mandate to develop the world, making it an ever better mirroring of His Love and Justice.
The second is to detach from painful experiences, disappointing experiences, guilty feelings and unfinished projects. Painful experiences, such as the death of the beloved, some times remain in the heart for a long time. Being detached means throwing yourself to these emotions, by allowing your self to dive in. Only by knowing what pain is, what love is, what afraid is, and experience them fully and completely, they can be detached from them.
Love
The second is to love and receive love. This story (K.J. Veeger, Majalah Hati Baru) will be very helpful to understand what love is and why we can earn love.
“Once there was a well known old priest who could not find the peace he longed for. He was asked, “How do you feel?” Did he live in peace with himself, with others and with God? The priest lived in a beautiful mansion, because his congregation was very rich. Behind was garden with flowers, tall pine-trees, and even a fountain spouting water high into the sky. The house was expensively furnished. Anything people in the world would like to have was around him: pieces of art against the walls, tapestries, carpets in the floor. He could afford to eat the food he wanted. Many visitors came to visit him. He enjoyed good health. Yet when he was asked “how do you feel?” he shake his head and said, “No! Not good!”
“What is wrong?” he was asked again; “you should have found peace after working hard your whole life.” Then the priest said, “I am all alone with myself, without any true relation. Inside me everything is empty. The beautiful flowers are over there! Not in my heart! The walls of my house are decorated with the finest paintings, but my soul is bare and ugly. The greed and graft by which I collected all these riches around me, still stick in my soul. But, now, in 85, I don’t care any longer. However, there is nothing else. I am a man without love! My soul is impotent of love, as much as my body is. What does remain of man without love? Nothing isn’t? Neither myself, nor this house, this garden, my formers pleasures. Nothing remains.
Then a good friend said, “I have often read ‘what does a man really gain, if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul in the process?’ Nothing indeed! At the end he will be empty like a shell on the shore. You should allow God to fill your life. He is always searching the hearts and minds of people, looking for the love He Himself has poured out in the world. If He finds it, He collects it. He is the big Collector.”
However, before allowing God to enter, you must try to obtain the only gain that really counts: Love! Love is told to be the most precious pearl from the bottom of the deepest ocean. Try to acquire it by making good use of your wealth and getting many friends among the poor and disadvantage. Then ask the Lord to have a look in your heart. Some time later the good Lord himself came to visit the old priest in search of what was His. The priest have had moved to a nursing home. Its walls were bare. There was only a crucifix. Now garden, no fountain. “How do you feel?”, God asked him. Then the answer came, “I feel great”. He lived in harmony with himself, with the many people around him and – not least of all – with God.”
A Pastoral Reflection
As a pastoral counselor, I feel that the most precious to accompany the celibates in mature age is to listen empathetically. Really it is not an easy skill due to the fact that elder people tend to tell tremendous story of their past. Sometimes, they hide something. Sometimes, telling a tremendous story is a way to deny or escape from his current problem. I should help him to get-touch with his wounded, pain, fear, anxiety and loneliness. By accepting the wounded feeling fully, they can detach from them. And then they have a space for God’s love to penetrate his heart, so that he can experience the unconditional love from God and others, live peacefully with himself, others and God. [oTTo MSC]
